Chapter 1: The Quest for Knowledge

The chill of the northern winds drove me to my brother's cozy residence in Tallahassee, where the warmth was inviting. As is customary, we found ourselves indulging in some cannabis during our stay.

Due to a convoluted situation, he lacks internet or Wi-Fi, leaving us with a handful of subpar TV channels. Personally, I find shows like "America’s Funniest Home Videos" unbearable, especially the painful moments when people land on fence posts.

Being science enthusiasts, we turned to "Secrets of the Universe," from his extensive collection of recorded episodes. These shows tend to follow a familiar structure, a pattern my brother pointed out to me.

So, sit back as I divulge the secrets behind crafting a captivating science program. You'll owe me a debt of gratitude when you strike it rich.

Title: Secrets of the Universe: [topic]

Scientist: Blah blah blah, science blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah science.

Scientist: Blah blah science blah blah blah blah blah topic blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah science blah blah blah blah blah blah topic.

Video Description: Join Manuel Calderón de la Barca Sánchez as he explores the profound secrets of the universe, unraveling the mysteries that govern our existence.

Scientist: Awe-inspiring artistic representations of scientific concepts about [topic].

Scientist: Blah science blah blah blah blah science blah blah science blah blah.

Video Description: In this three-hour marathon, delve into the universe and unlock the secrets of our planets, exploring the wonders of celestial bodies.

Scientist: Blah blah blah blah science blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah science blah blah blah science blah blah science blah topic.

I absorbed an incredible amount of information over those two brief days. Without amino acids, existence would be impossible.

Without DNA, we wouldn't be present.

Without the moon, our situation would be dire.

Without Jupiter, our fate would be uncertain.

Without black holes, we might not exist at all.

Without primordial black holes, life as we know it could never have emerged.

Without dark matter, galaxies couldn't have formed.

And without the Big Bang, there would be no existence to ponder.

While I can accept the first few assertions, the latter ones seem more philosophical. For instance, the idea of "Why is there something instead of nothing?" feels somewhat evasive.

Without dark matter, our universe wouldn't have developed galaxies. No galaxies mean no stars, leading to the absence of planets, Earth, and ultimately, us. Yet, trying to fathom this complexity is exhausting!

The assertion, "Without black holes, we wouldn’t even be here," confuses me. Aren't black holes destructive entities? They pull everything into themselves. If fewer black holes existed, wouldn't that leave more heavy elements available for life?

Black holes, you seem to rob us of a brighter future, leaving us with the mundane reality we face each day.

The notion of "Without primordial black holes, we wouldn’t be here" is perplexing. Primordial black holes are still theoretical, not proven facts. Should we really base our existence on such speculation?

The claim, "Without Jupiter, we wouldn’t be here," suggests that Jupiter absorbs many of the stray comets and asteroids that could threaten Earth, safeguarding the mammals that eventually led to our species.

What if Jupiter didn't exist, and Saturn had to take up the mantle of protection? Would we have evolved as dinosaurs instead? I find myself lost in that line of thinking.

My brother has grand ambitions of terraforming Triton, one of Neptune’s moons. He claims it would be simpler than attempting to colonize Mars—just inject oxygen, and it would warm up instantly.

This statement highlights the extent of our indulgence. He’s even marketing properties on his quirky YouTube channel, offering lakefront—methane lakefront—real estate. I politely declined his offer, preferring to daydream about alien visitors instead.

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• RUFKM In Four Acts
• I Hear Voices When I Pee
• Jesus Wants Me For Something

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