Chapter 1: Understanding Resentment

In our previous discussion, we delved into how we develop a tendency to take offense. Today, we will further explore the concept of resentment, aiming to manage this particularly harmful emotional state.

Various resources exist that offer techniques for addressing resentment. However, today’s focus is on enhancing awareness and understanding of the underlying processes that contribute to feelings of resentment, as well as the emotions and thoughts that accompany it.

Resentment often has its roots in childhood, where emotions are experienced intensely, overwhelming the psyche. A child feels emotions fully and remains influenced by them until they can release these feelings. Given the immature nature of resentment, the conclusions drawn in such situations tend to be superficial and simplistic, leading to reactions like, "How could they do that? What a terrible person!"

What emotions accompany our feelings of offense?

1. Helplessness: We often feel powerless to change the situation. Lacking the necessary skills and tools for effective communication can exacerbate this feeling.
2. Fear: Uncertainty about how others will respond to our disagreements can lead to a reluctance to express ourselves openly.
3. Anger: We may feel angry when we perceive someone else's behavior as unjust and harmful, often failing to understand the deeper causes behind our feelings and reactions.

Moreover, there is often an unspoken belief that others should:

• Accept us without conditions,
• Adhere to our expectations,
• Validate our sense of self-worth,
• Provide us with love and approval.

Ultimately, we struggle to embrace the autonomy and choices of others. My suggestion is to shift our approach: instead of judging, we should engage in deeper thinking, analysis, and the cultivation of new skills.

To move away from judgments, we must start relying on a concept of "norms."

By understanding our own personal norms and staying in touch with our emotions, we can more readily identify when something feels off. We can express our needs clearly by stating, "This manner of communication isn’t working for me. If you’re willing to converse calmly and respectfully, I’m here to listen. If not, I’ll need to step away."

To overcome feelings of fear and anger, it’s vital to understand ourselves in our entirety, including our imperfections. We must confront the uncomfortable truths about ourselves:

• We are not all-knowing or all-capable; we cannot do everything or remember everything.
• We have vulnerabilities: we experience anger, fear, rudeness, envy, and make mistakes.
• Our resources are finite; we may struggle with energy, time, health, or finances.
• We cannot please everyone; our creativity, appearance, and choices won’t resonate with everyone.

In reality, it is normal for people to feel helpless and inconsistent in various aspects of life. Our goal is to gather a comprehensive understanding of who we are, avoiding the pitfall of merely appearing to be what we think others want.

When we fully recognize both our strengths and weaknesses, accept our flaws, and forgive ourselves for our limitations, we become less susceptible to offense. We also tend to hold less unrealistic expectations of others, who are just as imperfect as we are.

After we have a clear understanding of ourselves and our norms, and have adjusted our perceptions of ourselves and others, we can delve deeper into the secondary benefits of holding onto resentment.

We should ask ourselves, "Why do I feel offended?" and honestly assess our motivations, which may include:

• Taking advantage of others without reciprocation.
• Granting ourselves permission to act on our true desires.
• Elevating our status by feeling superior.
• Exercising control over others.
• Seeking validation through our suffering.
• Transferring our burdens onto others.

If we struggle to find a reason, we can revisit earlier reflections. Once we identify secondary benefits, our next steps toward releasing resentment involve:

• Acknowledging our vulnerabilities and recognizing the skills we lack for effective interaction.
• Identifying what we feel deprived of from others, such as affection, support, or validation.

By doing so, we arrive at two crucial realizations: what we need to learn to enhance our success and the unmet needs from our childhood that we now seek to fulfill through others.

In this video, titled Resentment (How to Deal) | Stop Feeling Resentful | Letting Go of Resentment, the speaker provides insights on managing and overcoming feelings of resentment, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and emotional processing.

Chapter 2: Letting Go of Anger and Bitterness

The video How to let go of anger, bitterness and resentment offers practical strategies for releasing these negative emotions and finding peace within oneself.