Chapter 1: The Fear of Being Wrong

This week, I was reminded of Sir Ken Robinson’s well-known TED talk from 2006, "Do Schools Kill Creativity?" In one memorable story, he recounted attending his son's nativity play. When the young boys playing the wise men were asked about their gifts for baby Jesus, one child said “gold,” another “myrrh,” and the third mistakenly said, “Frank sent this” instead of frankincense.

While the audience chuckled, Robinson highlighted that this four-year-old still had the courage to take a guess, even without fully understanding the word. His point was profound: if we aren’t open to being wrong, we stifle our creativity and originality. He argued that as children grow into adults, many lose this willingness and become fearful of mistakes.

Robinson also observed that our education systems and workplaces often penalize errors, cultivating a culture that discourages creative thinking. His views remained steadfast up until his passing in 2020, as he reflected on his extensive career in education and consultation.

Reflecting on my own upbringing, I recall a strong moral compass at home, where wrong actions were met with punishment. Family arguments often revolved around determining who was right or wrong, which reinforced the idea that mistakes were unacceptable. This fear of being wrong transcended academia; it evoked ridicule and punishment, contributing to a pervasive atmosphere of anxiety around making mistakes.

While there may be some universal truths about right and wrong in human interactions, discussions often devolve into win-lose scenarios in personal relationships, workplaces, and communities.

In conversations with a close associate who leads a leadership development firm, we discussed the Blanchard Conversational Capacity course, inspired by Craig Weber's book. This course emphasizes the ability to engage in constructive dialogue about challenging topics, which is crucial for both individual and collective success. However, implementing these skills can be quite complex.

Having researched developmental stress responses and trauma patterns, I understand how ingrained these fears can be. Even when we apply good communication practices, the instinct to avoid conflict can be overwhelming, especially for those who haven’t faced significant trauma. The fear of being wrong is deeply rooted in many of us.

When our limbic system perceives a threat, it often triggers a shutdown of our rational thinking, as a survival mechanism. This response can vary from a generalized sense of anxiety to acute distress, particularly if compounded by other life stressors.

To overcome this instinct, we must learn to remain present and observe our thoughts and feelings with curiosity. Regular contemplative or meditative practices can aid in this self-observation. Daily engagement in such practices is highly beneficial.

In my personal journey, I’ve uncovered various layers related to this fear. There’s the perfectionist who hesitates to speak up without certainty, the pleaser who desires to appear knowledgeable and engaged, and the part of me that seeks validation. Additionally, there’s a nurturing aspect that aims to demonstrate that it’s acceptable to be wrong.

This winding path has shaped my identity as I approach my fifties, and patience is essential as I continue to unravel these complexities. Life experiences continually reveal that I am a work in progress, and despite having made strides in developing healthier thought and behavior patterns, remnants of my old programming persist.

Chapter 2: The Impact of Communication Styles

This week, I revisited some of Dr. John Gottman's research on relationships and communication. He identified four destructive behaviors that often predict divorce or separation: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, collectively known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

This insight reminded me how our early experiences shape our current behaviors. One personal challenge I face is my tendency toward sarcasm, a common expression in my upbringing in the West of Scotland. Currently, my children are enjoying reruns of "Friends," which often amplifies my own sarcastic humor.

Gottman points out that sarcasm can be a sign of contempt, which can deeply hurt others, especially those who have faced ridicule in their past. While I generally don’t use sarcasm with contemptuous intent, I must remain aware of its impact on those who may have experienced scorn before.

Criticism, as Gottman explains, differs from constructive feedback. It attacks a person’s character rather than addressing specific issues, a painful legacy from childhood encounters with ridicule. Who hasn’t experienced a teacher belittling a student instead of addressing their behavior?

At its core, sarcasm often highlights perceived errors, whether directed at oneself or others. Given the potential for hurt feelings, it’s often best to avoid sarcasm in communication. By analyzing our communication patterns and recognizing our triggers, we can start to cultivate healthier interactions.

As we navigate the intricacies of communication and personal development, self-awareness and empathy emerge as our most effective tools. Reflecting on our past, recognizing our triggers, and actively working to improve our communication can enrich our relationships and deepen our self-understanding.

Let us challenge ourselves to embrace the discomfort of being wrong, to "give it a go" in engaging constructively even in tough conversations, and to foster a culture of understanding and empathy in our lives. By doing so, we honor our journey of growth and contribute to a more compassionate and connected world.

This video titled "How to Build Authentic Relationships | The 4 Pillars of Human Connection" explores essential strategies for fostering genuine relationships, highlighting the significance of empathy and vulnerability in our interactions.

In this TEDx talk, "Creating Authentic Connections One Question At A Time," Craig Oborn shares insights on how asking the right questions can help us build deeper, more meaningful connections with those around us.