Journeying Through Trauma: My Path to Healing and Growth
Written on
Chapter 1: My Early Years
Recently, while with close friends, I began to recount my mental health experiences. I realized that my journey isn't just a single narrative focused on themes like anxiety or addiction; rather, it's a tapestry of intertwined stories rooted in trauma and resilience. Although I struggled to convey the full scope of my experiences during that conversation, I recognized the importance of sharing my story, both for my own clarity and for the benefit of others.
Now, I aim to articulate my mental health journey, believing it holds value, even amidst stories that may be more harrowing. It's a narrative that links trauma, suffering, resilience, healing, and the unique gifts that emerge from each traumatic experience.
I will present my story in 15 concise segments, each highlighting a specific trauma. I strive for honesty and accuracy, understanding that this is inherently my perspective. I do not view myself as a victim, nor do I cast blame on anyone mentioned; my parents, despite their shortcomings, loved me deeply, and I recognize our shared humanity.
For each trauma, I've included a "commentary" reflecting my current insights on how these events shaped me. At the conclusion of this narrative, I will share ten tools and practices that aided my healing process, along with ten gifts I attribute to my mental health journey.
This account is divided into two parts: the first focuses on my formative years, while the second will address my adult life, along with the healing tools and insights I've gained.
Let's begin — I’ll start from before birth and my entry into the world.
1. Conflict in the Womb
During my mother's pregnancy, she and my father often argued, culminating in an incident where he allegedly struck her. While he later insisted he merely brushed past her, my mother's account suggested otherwise. Regardless of the truth, I believe this discord, along with their ongoing strife, had a detrimental impact on me even before I was born.
Commentary: As an adult, I engaged in holotropic breathwork therapy, a process that helped me unearth pre-verbal trauma. It was through this therapy that I recognized the fear of the world instilled in me during this time.
2. The Birth Experience
I don’t have much to say about my birth, only that it was traumatic and prolonged.
Commentary: During breathwork therapy, I revisited this pre-verbal experience. I discovered a belief that I hadn't chosen to be born and didn't want to exist. This belief manifested later in life during my attempts at out-of-body experiences. However, through therapy, I realized I did choose to be born and wanted to be here. This revelation marked a significant turning point in my life.
3. My Father's Departure
When I was five, my father left. My memories of him are scant. I recall moments playing chess, his light blue trousers, and our time in the garden, but the memory of his departure looms larger. My mother informed my brother and me that he was away on business, but he never returned. This event shattered my world and deeply affected my mother, who channeled her anger and sadness toward me.
Commentary: This experience was a pivotal loss of innocence. I learned that those we love can abandon us, leading me to mistrust adults and adopt a solitary survival mentality.
4. The Struggle to Speak
At some point, I developed a stutter that made certain words nearly impossible to utter. I recall a moment in secondary school where my teacher's insensitivity compounded my humiliation, leading to months of ridicule from classmates. My Bar Mitzvah, a significant event, was marred by my inability to read aloud, further deepening my embarrassment.
Commentary: My instinctive response to my stutter was to conceal it, leading to a profound mistrust of others. Years later, while working as a technical journalist, I sought hypnotherapy to address my stutter, all while keeping this journey a secret from my parents.
5. Breathing Difficulties
I also developed asthma, which became a source of anxiety and fear. I remember a severe attack that prompted a frantic call to my grandmother for help.
Commentary: The experience of feeling small and weak instilled a fear of life in me. Yet, I eventually began to confront my limitations through running, gradually improving my performance in school cross-country races and discovering a newfound strength.
6. Turmoil at Home
The ongoing conflict between my mother and stepfather created an environment devoid of safety.
Commentary: This turmoil fostered a pervasive sense of anxiety, pushing me into survival mode.
7. A Challenging Relationship with My Mother
My relationship with my mother was fraught with emotional, verbal, and physical abuse.
Commentary: This abuse led me to doubt my feelings, causing confusion about my identity as I entered university.
8. Recurring Nightmares
At around ten years old, I endured a disturbing recurring dream featuring a menacing grandmother who attempted to kill me.
Commentary: Surviving these dreams empowered me, much like overcoming my asthma.
9. Unwanted Advances
A neighbor, a friend of my stepsister, engaged in inappropriate behavior with me, which I now recognize as sexual molestation.
Commentary: This experience added to my confusion and solidified my distrust of others.
Interlude: Educational Success Amidst Adversity
Despite these challenges, I excelled academically, eventually attending university and earning a degree in Computing Science. After traveling abroad, I returned to London and began my career in journalism.
However, more challenges await as I transition into Part 2, detailing my experiences as a young adult and the healing tools that have transformed my life.
Steps To Take When You're SERIOUS About Healing Past Trauma - YouTube
This video offers practical steps for individuals committed to healing from past trauma. It emphasizes the importance of awareness and actionable strategies to foster recovery.
- Trauma, Hope and Healing with Sarah K Grace - YouTube
In this discussion, Sarah K Grace shares insights on the intersection of trauma, hope, and healing, providing inspiration and guidance for those on a similar journey.