Understanding the Impact of Labels

Recently, a friend’s blunt remark struck a nerve: “You’re trashy.” While it felt harsh, it was precisely the wake-up call I needed.

Photo by Celeste Horrocks on Unsplash

Navigating through deeply rooted patterns can be incredibly challenging. Throughout my journey to break free from toxic behaviors, I had an enlightening discussion with my closest friend. I expressed my frustration about my inability to change. This is that moment when you feel utterly exhausted from the same cycle, desperately wanting to break free from it.

Her words hit hard: “I need to tell you something you probably don’t want to hear. It’s tough, but here it is... you’re trashy. These people think you’re trashy, and you’re proving them right.”

The weight of her words left me momentarily speechless, but then clarity struck. I recognized that I was maintaining certain behaviors to fit into a mold, seeking validation and love from specific individuals. This revelation led me to question who these people symbolized for me on a subconscious level.

I had never considered it from that angle, but now the pattern is unmistakably clear. My entire life has revolved around the desire to fit in. As I continue to evolve, I am confronted with deeper layers of this issue.

My journey began in Israel, transitioning to the suburbs of Philadelphia at eight. I was the only Jewish child in my school, standing out in appearance, mannerisms, and speech. Even after mastering English, cultural differences remained, and I felt profoundly out of place.

To blend in, I attempted to adapt—becoming less direct, quieter, a people pleaser, and, importantly, trying to dress like my peers.

I want to clarify that my friend's use of the term "trashy" was dramatic, intended to grab my attention, not a judgment on others. While my classmates donned mismatched, often stained clothing, my mother insisted I wear immaculate outfits from Children’s Place.

This may seem trivial, but to me, it was another reason to feel alienated and different.

Even decades later, I still hear comments like, “This isn’t Israel; this is America. You can’t say this here.” While I don’t let these words upset me, they resonate deeply. For 30 years, variations of that phrase have echoed in my mind, subtly influencing my perception of self-worth and belonging.

Despite this history, I still find myself trying to fit in with people who are not meant for me. These are individuals who desire my transformation into something I’m not, rather than accepting me for who I truly am.

Unraveling deeply ingrained patterns is incredibly challenging, especially when they come with a label that reads "this is just who I am." (A reminder: be cautious when you utter those words; they often mask your true self.)

To genuinely evolve and embrace our authentic selves, these identities require a disruption (like my friend’s wake-up call), recognition of the benefits of these patterns, and, crucially, a regulated nervous system.

A dysregulated nervous system makes it difficult to recognize patterns because it keeps us in survival mode. It hampers critical thinking, heightens our sense of threat, and confines us to a state of fight or flight, obstructing real change. This is why many struggle to implement lasting transformations in their lives.

Over the past few years, I have conducted numerous Human Design Shadow readings and have become adept at identifying people's subconscious self-sabotage patterns. The common thread? Dysregulation, coupled with a desire for change, often leads to harsh self-criticism when progress stalls.

For years, I lacked the key to this puzzle. Learning to process my emotions and regulate my nervous system laid the groundwork for engaging in profound shadow work.

Here's how I initiated my transformation:

1. I acknowledged the pattern.
2. I expressed gratitude for its protective role.
3. I examined it through my shadow work pyramid.
4. I began to adjust my identity to align with my true self.
5. I stay vigilant for similar patterns, regulate my responses, and make small, conscious changes.

When approaching shadow work, the pillars of patience, compassion, and acknowledgment are essential.

What subconscious patterns are you currently exploring?

Chapter 2: Finding Freedom Through Shadow Work

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