Chapter 1: The Legacy of Absenteeism

The cycle of absentee fathers is one I refuse to perpetuate.

Photo by Natasha Ivanchikhina on Unsplash

My maternal grandfather abandoned my mother when she was just a baby, never to return. This left my grandmother to raise three young girls—ages 1, 2, and 3—on her own. As you might expect, my mom's childhood was steeped in hardship, with dire financial struggles often resulting in insufficient food. He never contributed financially through child support.

Upon turning 18, my mother continued the cycle. She got married, had her first child, and never pursued higher education. Her husband left shortly after their second child was born, leaving her at 22 with two infants and without job skills or a degree. The outcome was predictable.

My father was her second husband, and like the first, he too is absent from our lives. My husband and I share a similar story; neither of us has had a father figure present. Yet, in a strange way, I consider it a hidden blessing. Knowing the nature of our fathers, we believe our lives are better off without them, although the absence can still sting at times.

My husband’s father was particularly cruel, subjecting him to years of abuse during his childhood. I won’t delve into the specifics, but the scars run deep. My husband may present a tough exterior, but I can see the emotional wounds he carries.

I vividly remember a night when he opened up about his fears regarding fatherhood. Despite his love for children and his desire to be a good dad, he was haunted by the idea that those who experience abuse often become abusers themselves. He expressed a willingness to forgo parenthood altogether rather than risk harming a child. That struck a chord with me.

I reassured him that statistics do not define him—he will not continue the cycle. I reminded him of who he truly is: the man who devoted countless hours to watching "Gossip Girl" with his sister during her recovery from brain surgery, the one who received the President’s award for his exceptional pediatric care at the hospital, and the uncle who rises early to make chocolate chip pancakes for his nephews.

He recognized the truth in my words, yet I sometimes wonder if he still battles self-doubt. This conversation took place years ago, long before we began discussing marriage or children. However, the topic of parenthood is now much more imminent.

Although we currently do not have children, we frequently discuss our hopes and dreams for them: the lessons we want to impart and the adventures we wish to share. We even ponder the emotional impact of not having a grandfather in their lives.

We envision providing our future children with the stable and loving environment that we both lacked—two committed, nurturing parents who would never think of abandoning them. I am confident we can break this generational cycle of absenteeism.

However, I would be remiss if I said I never felt a twinge of worry that I might be overly optimistic. I cannot imagine my husband being anything but a loving and attentive father. But did my mother foresee her own struggles? Did my grandmother anticipate the hardships?

I strive to focus on the positive and reinforce my belief: We will break this cycle.

Section 1.1: The Importance of Fatherhood

Understanding the significance of a father’s presence in a child’s life is crucial.

In the video titled "Why We Need to Break the Cycle of Father Absence," David Hirsch discusses the profound effects of father absence and the necessity for change.

Subsection 1.1.1: Practical Steps to Change

The journey to fatherhood can be transformative, and there are practical steps to ensure a positive impact on future generations.

Chapter 2: The Vision of a Healthy Family

As we dream of our future family, we are determined to provide them with the love and support we both needed. Together, we will break the cycle.