Chapter 1: The Document Dilemma

The American populace is both intrigued and alarmed by the alarming trend of politicians hoarding classified documents, often leaving them in unsecured locations where sensitive information could easily be compromised.

For instance, former President Donald Trump famously stored classified files in the Mar-A-Lago basement, asserting he could unclassify them at will. Meanwhile, current President Joe Biden had some tucked away in his garage, and former Vice President Mike Pence also had his share at home. Let’s not forget the infamous case of Hillary Clinton, who relied on an unsecured server for her emails, erasing evidence before any investigations could take place.

The media frenzy surrounding these incidents has drawn in attention-seekers, even those without any genuine classified materials. A perfect example is Jeb Bush.

Chapter 1.1: Jeb's Claims

“He does this occasionally,” commented his brother George. “Just overlook him for a bit, and he’ll sulk until dessert is served.” When questioned about whether he, as a former president, retained any documents he shouldn’t, he simply shrugged. “Cheney wouldn’t let me see them in the White House. For once, I’m in the clear.”

Janice Franklin, the FBI agent assigned to check on Jeb, expressed her frustrations: “Being the new recruit is tough. I get all the unpleasant assignments. ‘Keep an eye on this White Supremacist, Janice. Investigate this obvious pedophile hoax, Janice. Jeb Bush is feeling lonely, Janice.’ The guy doesn’t even have clearance…”

Subsection 1.1.1: The Tweets

“Not that anyone cares…but I’ve got LOTS of documents at my house,” Jeb tweeted to his six followers a couple of weeks ago. Since then, he has sporadically hinted at possibly possessing “maybe even nuclear codes, who knows!?” while also sharing melancholic lyrics from the Cowboy Junkies without any context.

“It’s just pathetic,” remarked Elon Musk, who seems to be unable to block him. “Part of me wants to shadow ban him to spare him from his own misery.”

Chapter 2: The Fallout

At the time of writing, the Biden Administration is in a frenzy trying to clarify how nuclear missiles appeared to launch without their consent, leading to the destruction of a significant portion of the moon.