Choosing the Right Partner: Insights from Psychoanalysis
Written on
Understanding Attraction and Aversion
When it comes to selecting a partner, many of us lack sufficient guidance, often relying solely on our emotions. Recent studies in psychoanalysis suggest that our feelings of attraction and aversion are deeply rooted in past experiences, particularly from our formative years, when we were unable to fully comprehend our surroundings. These unresolved feelings can shape our identities and influence our partner choices.
For instance, if someone experienced trauma related to a specific characteristic in a parent, they might unconsciously avoid potential partners who display similar traits. This could manifest as a dislike for individuals who are beautiful, punctual, or intellectual, simply because these qualities remind them of past pain.
While we may be drawn to partners who are intelligent, charming, and kind on paper, we often find ourselves inexplicably attracted to those who are emotionally unavailable or neglectful. This paradox highlights how our strong feelings can sometimes lead us to unhealthy relationships.
To make informed choices in love, it's crucial to acknowledge how our past traumas and tendencies towards suffering influence our attraction and aversion.
Exercise for Self-Discovery
A beneficial exercise involves reflecting on the types of people you find unappealing. Grab a pen and paper and jot down the characteristics you associate with negativity. You'll likely notice that some of these traits may not be inherently negative. For example:
- When someone shows too much curiosity about you
- When a person exhibits excessive tenderness
- When someone is consistently dependable
- When an individual is overly enthusiastic about seeing you
Conversely, you might identify certain traits you find appealing that could actually be harmful, such as:
- When someone maintains too much distance
- When a person is unpredictable
- When someone is spontaneous
- When an individual is harsh or cruel
Engaging with someone who can pose thought-provoking questions will help you clarify your responses. It’s important to allow your subconscious to express itself without overthinking or rationalizing your preferences.
Your genuine reactions will unveil the underlying beliefs you hold about love. The aim of this exercise is to uncover past experiences that hinder your ability to embrace emotional support.
Gaining Clarity and Breaking Free
The beauty of this introspective work lies in recognizing how negative associations from your past may sabotage your romantic life. Understanding these patterns can illuminate why you might let good partners slip away.
By delving deep into your emotional history, you will gain a clearer understanding of what you seek in a partner that fosters mutual happiness. This process can help you release rigid relationship standards, allowing you to be more open to dating outside of your usual "type." Ultimately, it grants you the freedom to enjoy the thrill of unexpected connections.
As you liberate yourself from past influences, you become more rational in recognizing why you feel drawn to certain individuals while being repelled by others.
A Gentle Reminder
There’s a saying that resonates deeply: "When you like a flower, you just pluck it, but when you love a flower, you water it daily." My hope is that you learn to choose partners who nurture you rather than those who simply take from you.
If you're interested in more insights like this, consider subscribing to Medium through my link or joining my email list. If you feel inclined, you can support my work with a coffee. Meanwhile, check out these related articles:
- The Four Relationship Tips from My Bartender
- 4 Types of 'Nice Guys' to Avoid
©Dona Mwiria March 2022
